Our Infertility Journey

I remember hearing stories of "test tube babies" when I was younger. I remember not really understanding what it meant, babies from test tubes?? I also never imagined that it would be how two of my babies would come to our family. Now "test tube babies" is not what they call the procedure anymore, it is called In Vitro Fertilization or IVF for short. Test Tube babies sounds like a science experiment, when in fact it was a spiritual, personal and emotional journey Brian and I took to help our family grow. We are very blessed that we were successful with it. Brian and I are happy to share our experiences and struggles if it can help others going through the same. The story is really long but our journey took 8 years to get our three amazing sons to us. They will always know that each one of them were true miracles, in every way!

Our fertility journey began February of 2001. Actually 8 years ago this week. I had my first miscarriage February 7, 2001. I was 19 years old. Brian and I were not planning on getting pregnant so it was a HUGE surprise. Right from the start our doctor wasn't confident in this pregnancy but we had hope. Hope that quickly faded as I went through my first very painful ectopic pregnancy. My tube burst which caused internal hemorrhaging and was rushed into the OR for surgery. The tube had been burst for approximately a week, my doctors said if the blood didn't clot and form a bandage like glue holding everything the way it did, I would have died. That is a scary thing to think. I stayed in the hospital for a week recovering and then continued my recovery at home for a few more weeks. The physical recovery seemed to be much quicker than the emotional recovery, truthfully I don't think any woman ever fully heals emotionally. It was a loss, a loss of a baby, a future that would never be...
Our doctor said we could begin trying again in 3 months. You know that saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" that is how I felt. Before the miscarriage, we weren't even thinking about getting pregnant but after we had a very small taste of the excitement, hope and joy a baby could bring we ventured off on this long journey ahead. I think often to myself with a little humor "If we only knew".
A year passed by with no success but a lot of heartache. Every month the hope would build, I would think "this is the month!!" and then would be absolutely crushed when I was not. Anyone who has gone through this knows exactly how I was feeling! Oh the dreaded home pregnancy tests....we should have bought stock in EPT. We don't even want to talk about how much money we spent on those things!! To this day I can't even look at a test without my heartrate speeding up.
So I decided to change doctors. My new doctor was the first to bring up fertility treatments. Let me just say that I was still in denial that there was a real problem. It was very hard for me to admit that. The doctor ran a few tests and came to us with a prescription for clomid. It is a fertility pill. We were so excited, we just knew it would work!! I remember calling my mom on our way home and telling her we would be pregnant with in 3 months and probably with twins.
Three months came and went, I was still not pregnant...
We decided to take some time off and just relax and see what happens. Ok, now most couples who are trying to get pregnant and decide to "take a break and see what happens" the woman is really thinking "I don't want to think about it, but I really hope I get pregnant during this so-called break". At least that's how I was.
The break didn't last long. The break didn't heal the pain of a miscarriage or the longing to have a baby in my arms. We were back to taking my basal body temperature daily, scheduled baby making times, ovulation tests and charts. It was pretty much my second full time job, I took it very seriously. In the mean time all of our friends were getting pregnant. Although I was happy for them, it felt like the hole in my heart was growing. Why us?? Why were we not able to bring a baby into this world? We were good people, we loved each other and had a happy home to raise a baby.
It was now April of 2003. One night after yet another failed month we were sitting on our couch together. I was crying and Brian was comforting. Brians mom happened to call and share the news that some of their friends had just came home from adopting a baby. Thats when we began talking about our options. We talked about further fertility treatments and adoption. . After a lot of prayer we felt adoption was the right decision for us. We had a renewed sense of hope and let me tell you, it felt good! You can read our adoption journey here: OUR ADOPTION STORY

Fast Forward and it was now September 2006. We were parents to a beautiful boy. There was nothing better than being Caden's mommy and daddy. Caden was 18 months old, a very active and handsome little boy. We were beyond in love with him! He was the light of our lives. It was around this time that the dreaded questions began, "When are you going to try for more children?" "Will you adopt again?". Truthfully we had been asking ourselves that question too. But this time it wasn't desperate or painful. It wasn't about wanting to be a mommy, or wanting a baby of my own. I was a mommy and we were experiencing the joys of having a baby of our own. No, this time it was wanting Caden to have a brother or sister and wanting to expand our family. Brian and I always planned on having 3 or 4 kids. That was before we realized that wasn't exactly our choice. We learned that the Lord had a plan for us. It isn't what we may have wanted or expected but looking back we knew it all happens the way it does for good reasons. Caden was meant to come to our family first, it had to be through the miracle of adoption. We had to experience the pain and heartache to really know the joy and love. We knew that. We also knew that the next choice we made wouldn't be easy either and would probably be just as hard. We were right.
One afternoon I was at my parents house, Caden was playing in the backyard and my mom and I were talking on the porch. We were watching the sunset and talking about a friend of theirs. Their daughter just got pregnant through InVitro with twins. I felt butterflies. Weird I know.
I went home that night and began telling Brian about the conversation my mom and I had earlier. We both felt excited about the prospect of it. We knew nothing about the process or anything. I started to research and calling different fertility clinics. I made two appointments for consultations.
December 5, 2006 we walked into the first clinic. We were excited and nervous. We met with the doctor and felt really good about it. We talked with my parents for their advice and decided to begin treatment. After the doctor looked through my past medical files and talked with us, he told us our best chance on conception would be through In Vitro Fertilization. We weren't surprised, it is what we were expecting. So we began treatment. It was a whirlwind of a month of birth control and hormone pills. The second month my body was a needle cushion and a hormone machine. Brian gave me three shots every night. I went in for ultra-sounds and blood tests every couple days. My ovaries were an egg hotel. I looked 3 months pregnant from the hormones and my ovaries were full! Finally the egg retrieval day had arrived! I went in, they knocked me out and sucked out 32 eggs!! That's good! They then let the eggs and sperm have a party and make some embryos. Out of 32 eggs 13 embryos began to grow. Out of those 13, 5 made it to the blastocyst stage. What is a Blastocyst?A blastocyst is formed when an embryo reaches the five to seven-day development stage. At this point in development, the embryo has between 60 and 100 cells distributed in two areas: an outer embryo lining (which will later form the placenta), and an inner mass (which will later become the fetus). During a natural cycle, the embryo develops into the blastocyst stage as it is leaving the fallopian tubes and entering the uterus. An embryo needs to have entered into the blastocyst stage once it arrives in the uterus to ensure proper implantation. {just incase you were wondering}
Five days after the retrieval, my doctor implanted 2 blastocysts. I was awake for this procedure in which they guide a small tube up into your uterus with help of the ultra-sound to implant. It isn't painful, just uncomfortable. It was amazing to see the embryos being implanted and thinking, oh my gosh, those could be my babies!!
I was then on bed rest for 3 days. 7 days after the transfer I was too excited and went to the store and bought a pregnancy test. I took it and saw...nothing. I just came downstairs and told Brian there was nothing there. He went upstairs to look and I hear him yell "Lyndsie there are two lines!! two lines!!" He ran down the stairs to show me and yes there were two lines!! We were so excited! After years and years and probably hundreds of dollars spent of pregnancy tests this was the first one ever that was POSITIVE!! Two days later I went in for blood tests and indeed I was pregnant but the numbers weren't real great. I wasn't worried, I refused to stress. I let myself get excited and celebrate! I was 5 weeks 6 days went we went in for the first ultra-sound. The doctor started it and with no emotion told us it was an ectopic pregnancy. My head began to spin and I kept saying "No, its not" over and over. I sounded like a crazy person I'm sure but I really didn't believe it. I didn't even cry. I called my mom in the car and told her it was another ectopic and hung up. Still no tears but I looked over at Brian and he was crying. I kept telling him they were wrong and its going to be okay. He looked at me and said "No, its another ectopic honey, I saw it! I can't believe this is happening again!". It took him saying it out loud for me to realize this was real. Brian and I just sat in our car in the parking lot of the fertility office trying to get our head around this while holding each other and crying.
The car ride was silent. We pulled into my parents driveway and My mom opened the door and Brian and i just held Caden for a long time. He kept asking why we were sad, we couldn't even talk. We all were sitting on the couch crying when my dad walked in and that's when I just lost it. I felt like a little girl who just lost her baby doll and just needed a hug from her daddy. We all just cried and sat in silence.
The next step was getting me to the doctors to find out what option we were going to take to remove the pregnancy. I say "the pregnancy" because it hurts too much to say remove the baby that stopped growing because it was stuck in my fallopian tube. My fertility Doctor called us that evening to share his sadness of what had happened (he was not the one who did our ultrasound). He said he felt impressed to make a special call to my OB to get me in right away. Little did we know that was the call that probably saved my life for the second time.
I walked into the OB office to find a room full of pregnant women. My voice was shaky as I signed in and told the receptionist my name. She asked what I was being seen for and I couldn't say it out loud. It took me a couple seconds and i just said through falling tears "ectopic".
Brian had to be to work, so my mom came with me. The Dr. visit was only to talk about our options. I was in pain when they began the ultrasound. I didn't look at the screen, I was just crying and holding my moms hand. That's when the tech saw the hemorrhaging. The tube burst and i was hemorrhaging fast. She called for the doctor and as soon as he saw he was on the phone with the hospital looking for an open OR. I called Brian and all I could say was "it burst!" then handed the phone to my mom for her to explain. He rushed over and the three of us sat in the office. I was in complete pain-both mentally and physically. I looked 4 months pregnant from all the fluid. An hour later they had an open OR and sent me over to the hospital. It all happened so fast. The next thing I knew I was waking up after the surgery was over.
My mom and Brian took me back to my moms house to recover. I say now my moms house is my own retreat. I needed to be with them. The next week was spring break so my parents had a planned vacation, so Brian, Caden and I stayed there just the three of us. No phone calls, no outside world-just my little family recovering from a loss together.

*******

As time passed it became easier to talk about, still painful but I was ready to do it all over again. We had a fun summer. My brother came home from his 2 year mission for our church. We went to Kauai for two weeks with my family. It was perfect. September I called to make my appointment. I was excited and I felt different this time. I decided to think positively, no negative thoughts. Negative Memories from just 7 months prior were pushed away from my mind. I didn't let myself get down. That made a huge difference I think.
November 13th was the transfer date. This round was less invasive. This cycle is called a Frozen Embryo Transfer or FET. I had 3 embryos frozen from my previous embryo removal. I wanted to transfer ALL 3! I cried and cried to my doctor saying I didn't want another disappointment. He said "Lyndsie you don't want to put all your eggs in one basket" and I said "Yes I do want all my eggs in one basket!" I lost that battle and he would only transfer 2. I was only on a few hormone medications and no needles:) The day of my transfer I already knew what to expect so i was ready for it. It went great and the whole time I felt so positive, so happy. Here are the twins the day of transfer. I knew the whole time i was pregnant. We didn't tell a lot of people we were trying again so I didn't have all the questions. We celebrated Thanksgiving with all our family knowing the next day we would know for sure.
Oh, November 23, 2007 will always be one of my favorite days. I had to be at the phoenix office at 7:45am for an HSG test(a blood pregnancy hormone test) They told me i should hear from them before 4pm. How was i going to get through the next 8 hours without freaking out, oh wait I already knew I was pregnant -well that confidence was shaky that day:)
I headed home and decided to stop and get a new star for our Christmas tree, while shopping my mom called and asked us to see a movie. Brian called his mom and asked her to watch Caden for us. We headed to the movies. We saw Fred Clause, I still remember not really watching the movie. I just kept looking at my phone to see what time it is. Every time my phone rang my heart stopped. After the movie we headed over to eat lunch at the California Pizza Kitchen. This is where the story gets really good:)
Everyone who knows me knows I LOVE Christmas everything about it, everything! Well the center we were at had the most beautiful HUGE Christmas tree. As we were walking by it my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and saw it was my Dr. office. I grabbed Brian's arm and said "hello" this is what I heard "Hello Lyndsie, Its Dr. J and it is my pleasure to tell you congratulations you are pregnant!" I started crying as he went on to tell me my HSG number was great. They like to see it above 50 and it was 219!! I said my thank yous through happy tears and hung up the phone. Right in the middle of the center infront of this beautiful christmas tree, Brian and I were hugging, jumping up and down and laughing. My family runs over and joins in. People thought we were crazy but who cares!!! Oh it was the perfect way to find out I was pregnant!! December 5,2007 we found out indeed it was TWINS!!! I was so nervous before the ultrasound. As soon as he began we saw them. TWINS! It was amazing! Finally after all those years I was pregnant! I was already the proudest mommy ever and now I was going to be a mommy of THREE!! All the tears and heart ache and money wasted on stupid pregnancy tests were forgotten. The pain was replaced by complete happiness. It was all worth it, every bit. I had a great pregnancy up until 27 weeks when Zane's sac ruptured. I was in the hispital for 2 weeks before the twins were born 10 weeks premature weighing in at 2lbs6oz and 2lbs11oz. They were so little and sweet and I knew they would be okay. They were fighters. I think they knew the journey their mommy and daddy took to get them here so they fought and fought. They spent 44 days in the NICU and are now healthy 9 month old boys.
The journey was long and really hard at times, but when I look at our family now I couldn't imagine it happening in any other way.
I am glad I wrote this all down, mostly for my kids and their kids to read some day. I also hope that women going through infertility can feel that they are not alone. I want for women to know that its okay to feel sorry for themselves. Its okay to be upset when yet another friend or family gets pregnant without even trying. Its okay to cry every time you see a baby. It is okay to want to stay in bed and eat ice cream on mothers day. I felt embarrassed while feeling those things. I soon realized it was all normal to feel these feelings. What pulled me through was surrounding myself with supportive people. Number one, Brian. He was by my side and was so sweet and sensitive. Some couples grow apart while suffering infertility but Brian and i grew closer and stronger. We comforted each other, cried together and celebrated the good times side by side. We are now a happy and grateful family. Our families. We couldn't have gotten where we are today without our families. My parents were there with us through everything and it meant so much and made the hard times easier and the joyous times better!!
Mostly, the Lord loves us and knows our sufferings. He cries when we cry. He rejoices when we rejoice. He will never leave our side and especially through the most difficult times reach out and he will carry you, he will, I know he will and he does.

it doesn't get better than this....

but it did.

I love that brad paisley song! There have been so many moments where I think that life can't get any better, but then the next great moment happens and it does get better.
Memories are very important to me. I love looking back at pictures, reading my journals and talking to my family about "remember when...."
Many of you who know my family have heard our family motto:
Someone starts by saying
What are we doing??
and then we all say at the same time
MAKING A MEMORY!
This was said at pretty much every family vacation or family event. One moment that just came to mind was when I was maybe 14 or 15. My parents heard there was going to be a meteor shower, so in the middle of the night they woke us all up, gathered tons of blankets and we went and cuddled on the trampoline. We waited for the meteor shower to start, and we waited. And waited. No meteor shower. I remember my mom saying there's one, but it never was. We all kept saying can't we go back inside and then my mom asked us "Guys what are we doing?" and we all started laughing and said "Making a Memory!"
I loved my childhood!I cherish all the GREAT memories from back then!! Now that I have my own family, Brian and I will make sure our boys can say the same thing about their childhood!

Brackenlexia

I know a lot of you have seen this sign on main street before and/or have heard this story before, It is one of Brian's favorites. Oh I can't believe I'm going to post this...
I have been known to say things before I really think about what I'm saying. It is known as Brackenlexia. A mix between being a Bracken and Dislexia. All you Bracken's know what I'm talking about, it is hereditary and highly contagious:) Even those of you in denial, WE ALL HAVE IT! And I have stories if you think you don't:)

Here is Brian's first experience with my brackenlexia
November 1999
Brian and I had only been married a couple weeks when we were driving down main street. I look up and ask "What is Siggins" Brian looked at me and said "What?" I pointed to the sign and said "The sign, what does it mean?" He started laughing and so I wouldn't look completley stupid I laughed as well....a few seconds past and said "What's funny?" He said " you mean the sign that says SIGNS" And then it hit. What the heck was I thinking. I totally played it off when I started laughing and said "honey I knew that, hahahhh". Oh my gosh I felt SO dumb. I mean really, Siggins, really Lyndsie??? seriously???
Later that night on our way home he asked if I was really joking. I sheepishly told him about my syndrome(brackenlexia) and that it would probably happen often. Which if you ask Brian he will say "no, never" but thats because he is sweet and cherishes every time I have an episode:) Good thing he thinks its cute

The $1000 no kiss deal

July 28, 1997 was the day I turned sixteen.Let me back up a bit. A few years prior, maybe when I was 10 or 11 my parents promised us a thousand dollars if we did not kiss until we were 16. It was a big deal and everyone thought it was a good idea. Truthfully, it was never difficult and I wasn't really ever tempted to kiss before then, probably because we couldn't date until we were 16 either. It was going to be the easiest $1000 bucks I've ever made. All my friends thought it was so cool that I got $1000 for just not kissing, I thought so too.
Fast forward to my sixteenth birthday... I remember opening the envelope and inside was a check with my name on it made out for $1000. I was so excited! Then my parents tried making another deal, they said double or nothing to not kiss till I was 18..really??? no thanks:)
Speaking of first kisses...that's a memory that I wish to never share. It involves a whole lot of awkwardness, me gagging, yes gagging and I never spoke to the guy EVER again. Oh the horror of a 16 year old girl gagging from her first kiss.....sad.
Luckily that was the only time I ever gagged from a kiss. Let's just forget about that one, K, thanks!
Me, Ashley and Whitney all received a check for $1000 on our 16th birthday. I don't remember what I spent it on or if I put it in savings, hmm... but I was proud of myself for doing it! I had the check(after it was deposited;) hung on the wall in my room until we moved.

Our adoption journey

This month is Adoption Awareness Month. I have been working on writing our journey on and off for a while just trying to get it all down. This story is very special to Brian and I. Most of you have heard this story before and for those of you visiting and hearing it for the first time I hope in sharing that you will feel our love for our Savior who allowed us to receive such a beautiful gift. Also I hope you see just how much we love and cherish Caden's loving birth mother and her choice.
If you get through it you will be so glad because it has a very happy ending! The story is going to be really long but I have wanted to write out every detail I remember for Caden to read later on. I want him to know how much he was prayed for and loved through this journey by so many including his mother and father before we even met him.

Here is our journey to finding each other here on earth.

The decision to adopt is not one made without deep thought and much prayer. It comes with baggage, years of heartache and disappointments of wanting a baby. But once the decision is made you feel much peace, comfort and love but most of all HOPE. For us, after years of trying, we finally had HOPE again.

I remember looking up the agencies website for the number. I read through all the information they gave, looked through some hopeful adoptive couples profiles and writing down the number. It took three days to get the courage to make that first call. I made the appointment. The receptionist said "how does June 19th work?" I told her it worked great. I thought to myself that was fast, It was for next Thursday.
Brian and I, holding hands, walked into the office for our appointment, signed in and waited. I was so nervous. The caseworker came out and asked for our paperwork. Brian looks at me, I look at the caseworker and said "what paperwork?". He then goes on to say we need the paperwork filled out in order to have an appointment. My heart sinks. He said his last meeting was canceled so he had some time to spend with us anyway. It usually takes a while to get an appointment and the receptionist scheduled us by accident(or was it;). He prints off all the paperwork we need, talks us through the process-not sugar coating anything. We left a little discouraged but determined to stay on course, we were talking about our future family here. Nothing was going to stop us from doing whatever it took.
We went home and I immediately started the paperwork. I am not talking about a couple fill-in papers, there were....pages and pages. Essays on how we want to raise our children to how will we discipline to how we were raised. There were Friend, Family and Bishop referrals, fingerprinting, background checks and home studies. We finished everything in 6 weeks. I am not a patient person so I wanted to get the ball rolling. Fingerprinting done on August 1st, paperwork was turned in on August 4th, personal interviews were August 21st and the home study done on September 3rd. We were approved through the state to be adoptive parents October 9, 2003. Now the waiting game.Oh the wait. I would jump anytime the phone rang or we saw our agency name and number on caller ID. We received emails from prospective birth mothers through the agency. Phone calls from friends and family saying they knew of a friend of a friend of a cousin of a co-worker who knew a neighbors daughters friend from school was pregnant. Thats what it seemed like. Seriously. We would go from being so excited to being crushed when we never heard anything back. Also I started writing little letters to our future child. I cherish those letters and read them to Caden now.We bought our first house in July 2004. I was spending a lot of time making it into a home. A few weeks after we moved in I was in the back yard painting a couple doors. I hear the phone ring so I go to answer. It was my mom saying my aunt just called and wanted my phone number so she would be calling. I said OK, not thinking anything about it. My aunt calls a few minutes later and it would be the phone call that would be the beginning of a wild ride for Brian and I.

I pick up the phone. She goes on to say she was talking to a lady in her ward named Sandra. Sandra was talking about how she knew a birth mother who was due anytime and didn't know what she was going to do. My aunt jumps in and says her niece and husband were approved through the state and were waiting for a baby! My aunt asks us if we want to meet Sandra and talk about the birth mother...of course we did!! I called Brian and told him all about it. We felt different about this, like this was really it for us.
We head over to my aunts house to meet with Sandra. Her 7 year old daughter, who we will call L, came with her. We spent a couple hours discussing the birth mother, we'll call her K, K lived in California, she wasn't quite sure of her due date but knew it was soon. She knew for sure she wanted to place this baby for adoption. As we were walking out to the car L went up to Sandra and said "Mom that's John Caden's daddy" while pointing to Brian. Sandra had told us that L remembers Caden from heaven and that she promised she would help him find his family. {CHILLS} How sweet is that. I love thinking about that and how precious small children are.
Sandra arranged for us to speak on the phone with K the next day. I was so anxious. I kept telling Brian I was afraid we'd say the wrong thing, or what if she doesn't like us.... Brian said very calmly be yourself and she'll love you. We spoke to K for an hour or so. The conversation went great! There were no awkward moments, everything was looking good. We spoke with K a couple more times over the next month or so. The second time we spoke with her, she had gone in for an ultrasound and it was a BOY! Oh my gosh we were so excited! That week we put the nursery together. We painted the walls, put the crib up and the bedding on. My mom took me and we bought a car seat and stroller and little newborn clothes. K had also told us her due date was around the middle of October. We were ready. We were just waiting for the word and we'd have our plane tickets and be on our way!
October 1, 2004. I get a phone call at work from our caseworker. He said "Lyndsie, we just got a phone call from K's caseworker and she is saying she wants to keep the baby." I start balling, can't breathe balling. Someone just ripped my heart out and I couldn't breathe. Finally I say "that's my baby!" He apologizes and says he'll call us back when he hears more. I hang up still unable to speak. I tried calling Brian but he wasn't answering. My parents had just left for Salt Lake, Conference was that weekend. My mom calls back and I can't speak still, all she hears is my crying. I finally get out the words "she's keeping the baby mom, my baby". My mom jumps into mama bear mode and asking what happened and what can we do. I finally calm down enough to tell her what our caseworker said. Then Brian clicks in so I tell my mom I'll call her back. I start again with the hysterics, Brian is amazing under pressure. He calms me down and says he's calling Sandra and will call me right back. I am a wreck. My hopes and dreams of being this little boys mommy were just ripped from me. I. was. a. wreck. Brian calls me back and Sandra had just spoke with K. She said she was just thinking about it and would make her mind up this weekend. Oh my gosh. I have never felt anxiety like that before. We get through Saturday. Sunday comes around and we watched the first session of conference. The phone rings soon after. It is our case worker and says "She has decided to keep the baby, I am so sorry." I just hang up. Brian is at my side and knew what he had said by the look on my face. We just held each other for what seemed like forever. We were both crying. I could not stop crying. Brian calls our parents and tells them what happened. Every one is heart broken. This did not only affect Brian and I. This baby boy was going to be a grandson, a cousin, a nephew. I will say this was the lowest I have ever been in my life. For weeks I stayed in my house, didn't answer the phone. I painted every room in my house. I ate nothing but white chocolate peanut butter cups and diet coke. It was bad. My mom would call and say lets go out shopping, or our to lunch. I finally had to say "I just need to mourn this loss". One day I was in my room on the floor by the side of my bed sobing and praying. I was angry. My dad just happened to call. I picked up and couldn't speak because I was crying so hard. He just said a couple sentences. "Lyndsie you are stronger than this, have faith, the lord loves you, I Love you Lyndsie". I remember that so vividly because right after I hung up the phone I felt arms around me. Someone was literally hugging me. Right then I knew that the Lord does hear us and will comfort us. I will never forget that experience. I know with out any doubts that God lives and loves us.
That was the start of my healing process. A couple days later I learned that K gave birth to a baby boy on October 4th, the day after we received news she was keeping him. That was hard knowing he was out there, not with us, not in "his room". I thought about him often. What he looked like, what his cries sounded like. I missed someone I had never even met. Sandra called me to see how I was doing. She said the morning K had the baby she went in to tell her daughter L. L said "that wasn't john Caden mommy. He is still waiting." At that time I wish I could have taken more comfort in that, but I didn't.
I got to a point where I was able to think about him and not break down. I couldn't yet talk about him or the experience though. It was mid November. I was shopping at the Orange Patch Boutique with my mom when I get a call from Brian. Sandra had called him to let us know she had another birth mother who wanted to meet us. I remember exactly where I was standing, I was looking at Halloween decor that was on clearance {funny how we remember little things} I looked at my mom. I told Brian I wasn't ready. He understood and said "ok honey". I told my mom what Brian said and just told her I wasn't ready. Deep down inside I felt a little pinch of hope, just a little. I wasn't getting my hopes up again. It was too soon.
The next week Brian, very sensitively, brings up meeting the birth mother again. I'll call her D, I said ok. That even surprised me a little, but it was only lunch right? I could do this. I remember what I wore(a white shirt and a pink and purple floral skirt), again funny the little things. We met her at a JB's restaurant. We were standing in front when D walks up. I didn't look at her face. I looked at her stomach. I tried guessing how far a long she was. We said our hellos and were seated at our table. Looking back I was really closed off. Brian did most of the talking, he had us all laughing. We started talking about the baby. That made me so nervous. She told us she thought she was 4 months along, she told us about her situation and about her family. Brian told her about us and what led us to adoption. The meeting was very peaceful and friendly. I gave her a hug before we walked away and still all I thought about was if that really could be our baby she was carrying. We really didn't talk about it on the way home. Brian just asked how I was feeling and I said I didn't know, it felt too soon. She wasn't due for 5 more months. I could not go through her pregnancy for 5 months and have the same thing happen. I was still healing from K and mourning over her baby boy. I couldn't think of him as "ours" any more.
The holidays were here. We celebrated Thanksgiving, my cousins wedding, a fun trip with my family to Brianhead and Christmas. And then it was finally a new year. I felt good things were coming this year, anything would be better than last year, I told myself.
Without me knowing, Brian had stayed in contact with Sandra this whole time about D. Brian began talking about D again in January and if I was feeling ready to go through another adoption. I did feel better. I was getting a little excited. I began to allow myself to feel like this could be it. I was getting ready again, but the thought that she could change her mind at any time was still there right in front.
My cousin Brook and her husband, who had also been waiting to adopt, were placed with a young girl who was pregnant with twins. She gave birth mid January. My cousin Brook called me to tell me the good news! She went on and on at how wonderful it was and how beautiful the babies are. I was so happy for her and it gave me HOPE again. It was that night in our car waiting for Brian's sister and new husband Bryan to come meet us that I felt right about it. I had never really prayed about D before because I never let myself get attached. That night I began to pray, a lot, and each prayer my feelings became stronger that the child she was carrying was our baby! Brian and I talked all night about it. The next morning we called Sandra to tell her we wanted to get everything set, and most importantly meet with D again. I felt this powerful love for her. D very much wanted us to be the parents to the baby she was carrying. She didn't know her due date or if the baby was a boy or girl. She was carrying the most precious of gifts.
When we saw D next her her tummy was nice a round. I was so happy to see her. We were meeting with her caseworker to talk about everything that would happen in the following months. The end of January we went with her to her doctor's appointment. We were there for her ultrasound and found out it was a BOY! We were so elated. I think deep down I was hoping it was a boy. D was so happy for US! She was amazing. Here is this woman who we have come to love so deeply carrying this baby for us and she was telling US congratulations! wow. As soon as I saw this baby boy on the ultrasound screen I was in love, head over heals in love! His name would be Caden.
I went home and began writing letters again. I opened the door to the nursery for the first time in months. I washed the bedding again, just because. I bought more clothes, just because. I rearranged the baby furniture, just because I wanted there to be love in that room, not the heartache that used to be. We had HOPE, we were HAPPY.
Over the next 6 weeks we met up with D and her other children. We went out to dinner, we went to the park. I took D to get a couple maternity tops. We went out for ice cream. We really fell in love with this family. When we went to the park we had each child record a video message for Caden. The messages were so sweet and so tender.
March 5th was D's due date. She wasn't having any contractions. I took her to her Dr.'s appointment and they did another ultrasound, he was breach, but beautiful! I felt so bad for D because she would need a c-section. She never had one before and I could tell she was nervous. All I could do was reassure her it would all be OK. Her c-section was scheduled for that following Saturday March 12th at 8:00am. She had to at the hospital at 6am. Brian and I didn't even sleep the night before, we were so excited! I would whisper "are you asleep?" and he would say "no, I'm too excited!". We left around 5am to pick her up and take her to the hospital. We get her to her room and they set her up on all the monitors. It was getting close and we were so excited. D was so nervous for her c-section. Brian would just keep making jokes to make her laugh. They came to get her and she asked if I would be in the room with her..OH MY GOSH! I was so humbled and grateful for that. I got all dressed up in the blue scrubs, footsies and hair cap! I held her hand as they began her c-section. I can close my eyes and watch the first time I saw my son. I think I was shocked because it felt like everything was in fast forward mode. They asked me to cut the cord. They asked me to help clean him off. It all happened so fast. All of a sudden I am holding this beautiful baby boy with a full head of black hair. I bring him over to D. I put him in her arm and wipe her hair off her forehead. At that moment this little boy was being held by the two mommies. One that gave him life and the one that would make sure he lived a full life. The nurse instructed me to take him to our room. I am walking down the hall holding this precious brand new little boy. I do not take my eyes off him, he was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I am in awe, in shock and so IN LOVE! The emotions didn't hit me until I opened the door and saw Brian. I brought him his little boy and we both began to cry. There were others in the room but to each other we were the only ones there. WE WERE A FAMILY! We stayed in our little huddle of three for a long time. Caden was sleeping, we were swaying back and forth taking turns holding him and looking at him and up each other.
The nurse asked everyone to leave the room while they brought D back but said I could stay and feed Caden. It was the first time I was really alone with my new beautiful son. I couldn't take my eyes of him. He was gorgeous, perfect. I kept saying "mommy loves you" and "mommy is here". I waited my whole life to say those words and I was finally able to say them!! The nurse gave me a bottle and I began to feed my son for the first time. I was crying tears of joy. I kept whispering "Thank you Heavenly Father, thank you."Brian was able to change the first messy diaper. He was a pro at being a daddy. He would cradle caden in his arms and just talk to him about all the things they would do together. Brian was bursting with pride for his little boy. My mom came to the hospital and was in the room and helped me give caden his first bath. The whole day was truly a miracle. D was out for much of the time recovering. But when she would wake up we would visit and she would watch us being parents. It was so neat for her to see how much we loved and adored this little baby boy.
We stayed with D and her 15 year old Daughter for the next three days all in the same room. For us it could not have been a better or more beautiful experience. While in the hospital she asked for some alone time with Caden. We went to the cafeteria to eat and then came back up. We wanted to bring him home Sunday night but D wasn't ready to sign the papers. I began to panic and I remember saying to D while holding back tears "please don't change your mind". She just wanted another day with us. She said "I won't change my mind." When the nurses were helping D get ready to leave it was a somber moment. She was saying goodbye to this little person she carried for nine months. We gave D and her daughter C some time to be with Caden to hold him and talk to him. Everyone was crying. Then D kissed his forehead and handed Caden to me. The song, from gods arms to my arms to yours, was going through my head. I Looked at her and said "thank you and I Love you". I wanted for her to know just how grateful I was to her, how much I love her, how there was no greater love than hers to give such a gift. I wanted her to feel my heart bursting from gratitude. So many wonderful emotions and all I could get out was "Thank you and I love you". I knew though that as we were about to begin our journey as parents, it was the beginning of her healing. Healing from giving birth and not being able to bring the baby home. I do believe she knows how much Caden is loved. He is so loved by so many. He has blessed so many lives. He is amazing! To be in that room with our new son and our angel who gave us this most precious gift will forever be close to my heart. As she was leaving I gave her another hug, tears running down both our faces and said "I love you, thank you so much D". Brian helped her out to the car and I was alone with my son in the room. Before when I would say "Mommy loves you" I would whisper. But this time I said it in normal voice and sang you are my sunshine. Brian came back up and we just started to cry joyful tears. This was it, we had our family, we were someones mommy and daddy! When we walked into our home for the first time as parents we looked at each other, smiled and said "now what??" so funny. That first night we both stayed up just staring at his perfect little face. We took turns holding him and talking to him. We were so happy!
The next day we went to sign all the adoption papers and finalize everything. We went to D's house. Her kids all held Caden and said their little sweet goodbyes. We gave them all big hugs and started for the car. As we drove off part of me was sad because we became so close to this sweet family and we wouldn't see them again. Another part was so grateful that they will always be a part of lives, they will forever be in our heart!
September 22, 2005 we went to the courts to have his adoption be final. When the judge was asking us all the questions my eyes started to tear up. The last question was "will you provide everything this child needs" Brian and I look at each other than to the judge and say "yes we will."
September 24, 2005 was the greatest day since Caden was born. We were sealed as a forever family in the temple. This sweet little baby dressed all in white looked like an angel. We love him more than words can express. We will be together for forever!
September 25, 2005 Caden was given a name and a blessing in church by his daddy surrounded by friends and family who have traveled this rocky road with us. Thank you to everyone who supported us when we couldn't stand on our own and rejoiced with us when our dream became our reality. We love you all!
I made this video with some special pictures from Caden's birth. The song has special meaning to me. I remember hearing "From god's arms, to my arms to yours" for the first time in my cousin Brook's car when I was 14 years old. I fell in love with its sweet message. Not till years later did I realize just how much the song really would mean to my family and I.
I hope you love it too!


Adoption is very near and dear to our hearts. It gave us the opportunity to become parents. Through adoption we learned to love and serve others. Adoption let us grow and learn from trials and heart aches. Adoption showed us what love really is. I truly believe that the Lord loves us and he does answer prayers. Through trials we grow closer to him. He will comfort us when we are in our darkest hours and rejoice with us when we are at our highest of highs! God is good!
I hope you felt of our sincere love. I hope that this might inspire you to help others and if you know of someone who is pregnant and doesn't know what to do, help her to research all her options. Adoption isn't for everyone, but it can be the greatest blessing to all who are involved. We love D for her choice. Her choice to carry him, her choice to let him go, her choice to bless our lives forever. She is always in my heart.

Grandma Lilly

A year ago today my grandma Klepinger passed away. I can't believe its been a year. We all gathered at my grandpa's house yesterday, it was nice to be around aunts and uncles and cousins. The klep family has grown by 4 in the past year, my twins, brooks brolin and tims conner. We all think she was up there making deals to get our babies down to us. Brook and myself both got pregnant just a few weeks after she had passed, coincidence...probably not:) Grandma was feisty and pretty much got what she wanted...thats where I got that from;)
She is missed but she is doing a great work on the other side and watching over all of us!
We Love You Grandma!!!

Grandpa and Grandma with Caden in Newport 2006

Our wedding day 11.5.99

Brooks wedding day 5.1999Beach house 1995ish
all the cousins

Halloween and Church Dances

I feel bad for Tyler and Whitney that church dances in high school here in AZ were not fun (so I was told). Our church Dances in CA were the place to be. They were every other weekend(2 stakes) and soo much fun!! Every year for Halloween we had a huge dance and haunted house party at one of the McKeon's houses. I HATE haunted house things-even if they are not scary to others, I just hate being scared. One year they had a part where there was a small ditch where someone was hiding by and jumped out at me and I tripped and fell in the ditch. I was so scared I jumped right back out and ran. My friends were laughing so hard, so too not be such a wimp I laughed too. HAHA, not really. To this day I have never been to a haunted house. And it has been YEARS since I've seen a scary movie. Thats a whole other story that ends with sleeping with the lights on for days(maybe weeks;)
I was a farmer (see pic-and side note-why were overalls ever in!!!) and ash was all about the 1920's. Fun times with Ash!!xoxo
I really have tons of great memories from those fun dances!

Church talks

Oh this is a memory I can now laugh at...
You know when you have something important to do the next day you always have a nightmare that you wake up late or miss it....yaaa
About three years ago we had just moved into our ward that we are in now and were asked to give talks in Sacrament meeting. Our meetings started at 8am. For those of you who know us well that was early. Caden spoiled us rotten and slept until 9:30 sometimes 10am back then. I know those days are LONG gone now:) So Caden was 6 months old at this time. Okay so Saturday was a special day, it was the day we got ready for Sunday:)(primary song) Thank goodness we really did get everything ready, our clothes ironed and layed out, and we went over our talks together. So we get to bed around 11pm and feel pretty good about the next day. Well I wake up on my own thinking its maybe 6am....NO it is 7:55am. No Really, church started in 5 minutes. It was seriously like the scene in home alone where they are late for the airport. I yell "BRIAN we are so LATE!!!" He jumps out of bed and I am freaking out. He had a plan. He gets ready and goes to church to let then know we were still giving our talks and to sit on the stand and I hurry and get Caden and myself ready fast and go second. Ready set go! He gets ready in 5 minutes due to our prep the night before;) and I hop in the shower get out, get dressed and give caden a bath and get him dressed. Do my hair and make-up..get this...all in 35 minutes. That has never happened and probably never will again! So I get to church at 8:35. Brian is a fourth through his talk as I walk in. My mom, grandma B and sister were there to listen to our talks and handed Caden to her and walked up to the stand and sat down. My face was bright red and wouldn't make eye contact with my mom. I just know what she was thinking. The Bishop looks over and gives me a smile and a look like "so glad you could make it". So my heart is finally slowing down as Brian finishes his talk.-side note-Brian gives the best talks, always so uplifting and testimony strengthening, it is one of the things I love most about him-So Brian closed on such an inspiring note and I get up and say "Well I usually like to be fashionably late, but I think I crossed the line". So I give my talk and it goes really well. After the meeting people are coming up and just laughing WITH me and telling me only I could get away with something like that. What does that mean, only I could get away with that. I was never one to get away with ANYTHING. So my mom was so embarrassed for us and said how could we not wake up in time. I seriosly do not know..... But like I said I can laugh at this now, and we do. Oh and we havent been asked to speak since. Thats ok:)

three years ago today.....

Three years ago today we were at the court house and Caden's adoption was being finalized. It took 6 months for it to be finalized and it was such an amazing day! We found out just a week before that september 22 was the day we needed to be at court! When we got there we saw so many families who were just as excited as we were to have our families legally bound! My family and Brian's parents were there to support us on that special day. I remember crying as the judge was asking us all the questions like will you take care of every need he has... It felt so great to look at Brian and have us say "YES, we will" together. Look how cute caden is!! Oh I loved those cheeks!! He is such a big boy now! I'll say it again..Time goes by too fast!!!

Then on september 24 we were sealed as a forever family in the temple, I wrote a post about it last year and you can read it here.
I look back on those days with such a humble heart and so happy that Caden is my first son and he will be such a great example to his brothers!!!! We Love You Caden!!!!!!

Monday's with Mom

Me and My hot mama in 2003

Back before we had kids I worked, yes I worked. I was a leasing consultant and loved my job(well most of the time and not as much as I love my mom job now, diapers and all) but I worked with fun girls and worked hard. My days off were Sunday and Monday, and every Monday I spent with my mom, and that was the best.
For quite a few years, every Monday my mom would come and pick me up in the mornings and we'd spend the whole day together. Whether it was running errands, shopping, or watching movies, we would have so much fun. Nothing would interfere with our Monday's. I could and still can talk with her about anything. I have so many wonderful memories of those days and will forever treasure them. Love you mom!!

How I met your Father

July 24, 1999 was the day I met my Brian. It was the day our lives changed. I'm gonna share some details of that great day. I had just moved here from California 3 weeks before. I made some super cute friends and they invited me up north for the pioneer celebration. I love roadtrips so I was in. It was a Saturday night and we were deciding what to do and one of the girls said she heard there was a party at some guys house she had a crush on. So off we went. When we got there we walk in and everyone is just kind of sitting around (boring) There is also no where to sit except for one dining room chair in the corner so me and emily share the chair. Thats when I heard a cute voice say "you can come sit by me" I looked up and saw him. He was so so cute. Then I see him sitting on a love seat with a girl next to him. I say no I'm fine. A second later he said "come on that doesn't look comfortable, come sit by me" The peer pressure was too much so I stand up and sit on the love seat with this cute guy. He starts talking to me and I'm just answering one word answers back and no eye contact. VISUAL: it's 1999 so overalls were cool and I was still 17 with clear braces. I guess he senses my awkwardness and says "don't worry, I think braces are sexy". Ok those are famous words in our house:) I ate that right up and started smiling braces and all.

Infertility

This is a memory that in part makes me who I am and what makes me a better mom. As I look at my children now and think back at what it took to get them here, I felt I needed to share a short version of our journey.
I have had two very serious miscarriages which really should have taken my life (dramatic ,i know but true). I have had two ectopic pregnancies which with both I have been rushed into surgery and each time one of my tubes had ruptured. That was the reason for our infertility struggles.. My first one was in 2001,I was just 19 and had been married only 15 months. We were excited to be expecting our first baby, due September 24,2001, but knew from the beginning something wasn't right. After my surgery, Brian was so scared he slept in a chair next to my hospital bed the whole week I was there. The second was just last year after our first IVF. We were totally taken by this one. I had no clue..didn't even think it was possible to have two, but i did. I never thought I would recover emotionally from either one, and it was the lowest I have ever been. My last one, Caden had just turned two and I couldn't just lay around and be depressed. I had to me a mommy and that's what got me through. Also you know my due date from my first miscarriage was September 24, 2001, well that same date but in 2005 was the day Caden was sealed to us in the temple. It is just another confirmation that the lord knows what he is doing.
I don't share this for sympathy, I share this because there are so many women suffering through miscarriages and infertility. I felt very alone going through mine.I mean it is such a righteous desire to be a mom and for it to be so impossible for some makes it that much harder.
I feel that going through all that makes me a better mom. I wanted this for so long so all the good times and the bad..I'll take it all!

old school:)

We finally cleaned out my "monica closet" (if you watch friends you know) and I found my "high school" box. Pretty much everything was Blue/silver/white cheer stuff, all my pictures, uniforms...brought back a TON of memories! Good times:)

These pictures will bring a smile to the saugus girls:) Here are just a few
Laurel Luncheon at my moms houseremember tiff "my house is bigger than your houses:)
Girls camp

Football game

happy bday to me & ash!!

with today being my birthday, and my sister Ashley's birthday was on the 11th I thought I'd do a little tribute to her and I growing up! When I was younger like 4 or 5 I would get so jelous and upset that ashleys birthday came first, "But I am older".... I would cry. Too funny.
Then growing up we were really close. We shared the same room, did cheer together, shared all our clothes. It was fun! She is a great aunt to my boys and I wish she wasn't so far away! I hate that! But she is loving life with her posh job in Washington DC and I am proud that she is doing good on her own. Love you ash!!!

I don't want to be a boy!!!

K so here's the story!! This one is for the Brown cousins:) We were just talking about this and then I came across the pictures with Mark and jacki!! I am laughing so hard as I type this!
One halloween us and the browns got together and drew names to see who would wear what costume. Who's idea was it....I don't know, connie or my mom's probably. So Tanner got to be the bride, Jordan got to be..umm i don't know what jordans costume was. It was my tiger dance costume and a wig (so pretty jordy). I drew the karate kid uniform. Now I was the biggest girly girl ever so I threw the biggest fit because i didn't want to dress up like a boy!! Seriously look at the picture my eyes are bright red from crying! It didn't make sense that tanner and jordan got to be girls and I was a boy!! I remember my mom having to take me outside and talk me into just wearing it for a little while. I finally was ok about it when I saw that ashley had to wear a boy costume too! By far tanner and jordan win the prize of best costume!!!
These pictures crack me up!! Good times!! I am so glad I have always been so close to all my cousins!! Love you guys!!

6/23/08

With it being Fathers day last week I was thinking of some great memories I have of my dad.
He is so much fun to be around and always makes us laugh!
He and Tyler were in Nauvoo when Caden was born and they came back when he was 4 days old. Their flight came in at midnight and he was so excited to meet his first grandson they came over right then. It was really great to see him holding caden for the first time! He is such a fun grandpa!!!
I was so proud to have him on my arm when I was on homecoming court my senior year.
My parents have always thought it was so important to make memories and so we have been on great vacations with them!! It is so great to be in beautiful places with the ones you love most, but really just being together is what makes it memorable!!! My dad makes that happen!!
Thank you dad for always being there for me and making me feel important!! All through my life I have looked up to you and still do!! I Love you Dad!!!

Memory Lane Monday Blog!!!

I thought it would be fun to do a whole blog with my Memory Lane Monday posts. I haven't done them in a long while and want to start up again. Now with the twins coming home soon we will see if I can keep up but it is always fun to look back on all my great memories!!!
I put on all my previous Memory Lane Monday posts below and can't wait to do more!!

12/10/2007 post

"Christmas 1984" picture

Christmas was always such a fun time for our family. We had fun traditions. One was we would all sleep in the same room christmas eve. We would wake up usually around 4am and my parents would make us wait till like 6. So we had a couple hours to talk about what we thought we were getting, all the excitement was almost too much so we would crack open the door and send Tyler to go peek downstairs and then run back in and tell us what he saw. Sneaky kids I know!! I have wonderful memories of every Christmas growing up.
Also I remember one christmas we got a trampoline, just to later find out my mom and dad putting it together christmas eve in the rain. The thought of that makes me crack up every time i think about it!
Another great memory was one christmas my parents decided to give some families money and just to leave it on the door step and run. I think I was like 10 that year and my dad said I could go with him. I was so nervous and excited. The whole time walking up to the door my dad was saying "Lynds, as soon as I ring the door bell you have to run AS FAST AS YOU CAN , okay" I was like ok... so he rang the door bell and my little legs have never gone so fast! I remember for every stride my dad took was like 3 of mine. Good times. My parents were always very giving! They are great examples of service! Thanks mom and dad for all you did for us growing up!!

12/3/2007

-1999-

Our first Christmas was only like a month and a half after we got married.

So the funny story- So again it was our first Christmas and we were newly newlyweds and I was so excited to open our gifts!! I was thinking jewelry or something like that. Christmas morning we go to open all our gifts and Brian saved the "BIG" one for last. I was so excited!! I was taking the paper off and kept looking at him smiling, then my smile turned to a "what the crap" look. He got me a BREAD MAKER!! What, seriously. ya. Some might think that was nice but as an 18 year old newlywed making bread was the last thing I wanted to do. Anyways I started crying and he felt horrible and then I felt like a spoiled brat(which i was way back then).

It is now our 9th Christmas together and to this day he has not bought me any house hold appliances as a gift. I even asked for a dust buster this year and he laughed. So i bought myself one and it is wrapped under our tree right now:)
BUT.... he did learn and since then I have never ever been disappointed about any gift he has given me and actually have LOVED every gift since!!

11/19/07

Life has been pretty crazy lately and I'll post about that soon, but first I just want to share a memory for now! I Love the Holiday's mostly because I love parties and being with my Family and Friends!! Well Thanksgiving is not always a relaxing day being that both families live in town, but it is definitely a party day! A tradition since I was young has been to take kernels of corn and each kernel represents something we are thankful for. It is a great tradition and so great to hear everyones.

I wanted to share some things I am most grateful for!

1. Of course my little family. I am so glad to be married to my best friend! I could not be more proud of him, he is the greatest man and supporter. I am most grateful for him! He is also hilarious!! He would be a great stand-up comic!!
2. My little monkey!! I just love this kid so much! He is my entertainer! He is so funny and very creative! I love watching him grow and want to be just like his daddy!! I am thankful he was sent to our family first!!
3. My family. We have the most supportive and loving parents and siblings ever!! I love my sisters so much! They are always there for me when I need them!! And my brothers, they are so funny and make me laugh all the time! I have the most fun with them and we have so many great memories of growing up, it is fun as adults to look back and laugh and reminisce of those times.
4.I am so lucky to have wonderful in-laws. My sisters-in laws and brothers-in laws are so dang fun!!! I wish we could see them more often but it always makes the holidays better to get all together!!!
5. Great friends!! I have the greatest friends!! They are so fun to be with and always know when you need a little pick me up!!! I'm lucky that we all live pretty close by and when we get together whether its just to chill or do something big, we have the greatest time!! Thanks girls!
6.Prayer. I am so grateful for the power of prayer. I have a close relationship with my heavenly father and know I can always turn to him. Through the toughest times in my life I have never felt abandoned by him.
7.Eternal families. Without temple work I would not have an eternal family. It is the most comforting to know I will be with my family forever. No matter what happens here on earth we will see each other again, how great is that!