If you get through it you will be so glad because it has a very happy ending! The story is going to be really long but I have wanted to write out every detail I remember for Caden to read later on. I want him to know how much he was prayed for and loved through this journey by so many including his mother and father before we even met him.
Here is our journey to finding each other here on earth.
The decision to adopt is not one made without deep thought and much prayer. It comes with baggage, years of heartache and disappointments of wanting a baby. But once the decision is made you feel much peace, comfort and love but most of all HOPE. For us, after years of trying, we finally had HOPE again.
I remember looking up the agencies website for the number. I read through all the information they gave, looked through some hopeful adoptive couples profiles and writing down the number. It took three days to get the courage to make that first call. I made the appointment. The receptionist said "how does June 19th work?" I told her it worked great. I thought to myself that was fast, It was for next Thursday.
Brian and I, holding hands, walked into the office for our appointment, signed in and waited. I was so nervous. The caseworker came out and asked for our paperwork. Brian looks at me, I look at the caseworker and said "what paperwork?". He then goes on to say we need the paperwork filled out in order to have an appointment. My heart sinks. He said his last meeting was canceled so he had some time to spend with us anyway. It usually takes a while to get an appointment and the receptionist scheduled us by accident(or was it;). He prints off all the paperwork we need, talks us through the process-not sugar coating anything. We left a little discouraged but determined to stay on course, we were talking about our future family here. Nothing was going to stop us from doing whatever it took.
We went home and I immediately started the paperwork. I am not talking about a couple fill-in papers, there were....pages and pages. Essays on how we want to raise our children to how will we discipline to how we were raised. There were Friend, Family and Bishop referrals, fingerprinting, background checks and home studies. We finished everything in 6 weeks. I am not a patient person so I wanted to get the ball rolling. Fingerprinting done on August 1st, paperwork was turned in on August 4th, personal interviews were August 21st and the home study done on September 3rd. We were approved through the state to be adoptive parents October 9, 2003. Now the waiting game.
Oh the wait. I would jump anytime the phone rang or we saw our agency name and number on caller ID. We received emails from prospective birth mothers through the agency. Phone calls from friends and family saying they knew of a friend of a friend of a cousin of a co-worker who knew a neighbors daughters friend from school was pregnant. Thats what it seemed like. Seriously. We would go from being so excited to being crushed when we never heard anything back. Also I started writing little letters to our future child. I cherish those letters and read them to Caden now.
We bought our first house in July 2004. I was spending a lot of time making it into a home. A few weeks after we moved in I was in the back yard painting a couple doors. I hear the phone ring so I go to answer. It was my mom saying my aunt just called and wanted my phone number so she would be calling. I said OK, not thinking anything about it. My aunt calls a few minutes later and it would be the phone call that would be the beginning of a wild ride for Brian and I.I pick up the phone. She goes on to say she was talking to a lady in her ward named Sandra. Sandra was talking about how she knew a birth mother who was due anytime and didn't know what she was going to do. My aunt jumps in and says her niece and husband were approved through the state and were waiting for a baby! My aunt asks us if we want to meet Sandra and talk about the birth mother...of course we did!! I called Brian and told him all about it. We felt different about this, like this was really it for us.
We head over to my aunts house to meet with Sandra. Her 7 year old daughter, who we will call L, came with her. We spent a couple hours discussing the birth mother, we'll call her K, K lived in California, she wasn't quite sure of her due date but knew it was soon. She knew for sure she wanted to place this baby for adoption. As we were walking out to the car L went up to Sandra and said "Mom that's John Caden's daddy" while pointing to Brian. Sandra had told us that L remembers Caden from heaven and that she promised she would help him find his family. {CHILLS} How sweet is that. I love thinking about that and how precious small children are.
Sandra arranged for us to speak on the phone with K the next day. I was so anxious. I kept telling Brian I was afraid we'd say the wrong thing, or what if she doesn't like us.... Brian said very calmly be yourself and she'll love you. We spoke to K for an hour or so. The conversation went great! There were no awkward moments, everything was looking good. We spoke with K a couple more times over the next month or so. The second time we spoke with her, she had gone in for an ultrasound and it was a BOY! Oh my gosh we were so excited! That week we put the nursery together. We painted the walls, put the crib up and the bedding on. My mom took me and we bought a car seat and stroller and little newborn clothes. K had also told us her due date was around the middle of October. We were ready. We were just waiting for the word and we'd have our plane tickets and be on our way!
October 1, 2004. I get a phone call at work from our caseworker. He said "Lyndsie, we just got a phone call from K's caseworker and she is saying she wants to keep the baby." I start balling, can't breathe balling. Someone just ripped my heart out and I couldn't breathe. Finally I say "that's my baby!" He apologizes and says he'll call us back when he hears more. I hang up still unable to speak. I tried calling Brian but he wasn't answering. My parents had just left for Salt Lake, Conference was that weekend. My mom calls back and I can't speak still, all she hears is my crying. I finally get out the words "she's keeping the baby mom, my baby". My mom jumps into mama bear mode and asking what happened and what can we do. I finally calm down enough to tell her what our caseworker said. Then Brian clicks in so I tell my mom I'll call her back. I start again with the hysterics, Brian is amazing under pressure. He calms me down and says he's calling Sandra and will call me right back. I am a wreck. My hopes and dreams of being this little boys mommy were just ripped from me. I. was. a. wreck. Brian calls me back and Sandra had just spoke with K. She said she was just thinking about it and would make her mind up this weekend. Oh my gosh. I have never felt anxiety like that before. We get through Saturday. Sunday comes around and we watched the first session of conference. The phone rings soon after. It is our case worker and says "She has decided to keep the baby, I am so sorry." I just hang up. Brian is at my side and knew what he had said by the look on my face. We just held each other for what seemed like forever. We were both crying. I could not stop crying. Brian calls our parents and tells them what happened. Every one is heart broken. This did not only affect Brian and I. This baby boy was going to be a grandson, a cousin, a nephew. I will say this was the lowest I have ever been in my life. For weeks I stayed in my house, didn't answer the phone. I painted every room in my house. I ate nothing but white chocolate peanut butter cups and diet coke. It was bad. My mom would call and say lets go out shopping, or our to lunch. I finally had to say "I just need to mourn this loss". One day I was in my room on the floor by the side of my bed sobing and praying. I was angry. My dad just happened to call. I picked up and couldn't speak because I was crying so hard. He just said a couple sentences. "Lyndsie you are stronger than this, have faith, the lord loves you, I Love you Lyndsie". I remember that so vividly because right after I hung up the phone I felt arms around me. Someone was literally hugging me. Right then I knew that the Lord does hear us and will comfort us. I will never forget that experience. I know with out any doubts that God lives and loves us.
That was the start of my healing process. A couple days later I learned that K gave birth to a baby boy on October 4th, the day after we received news she was keeping him. That was hard knowing he was out there, not with us, not in "his room". I thought about him often. What he looked like, what his cries sounded like. I missed someone I had never even met. Sandra called me to see how I was doing. She said the morning K had the baby she went in to tell her daughter L. L said "that wasn't john Caden mommy. He is still waiting." At that time I wish I could have taken more comfort in that, but I didn't.
I got to a point where I was able to think about him and not break down. I couldn't yet talk about him or the experience though. It was mid November. I was shopping at the Orange Patch Boutique with my mom when I get a call from Brian. Sandra had called him to let us know she had another birth mother who wanted to meet us. I remember exactly where I was standing, I was looking at Halloween decor that was on clearance {funny how we remember little things} I looked at my mom. I told Brian I wasn't ready. He understood and said "ok honey". I told my mom what Brian said and just told her I wasn't ready. Deep down inside I felt a little pinch of hope, just a little. I wasn't getting my hopes up again. It was too soon.
The next week Brian, very sensitively, brings up meeting the birth mother again. I'll call her D, I said ok. That even surprised me a little, but it was only lunch right? I could do this. I remember what I wore(a white shirt and a pink and purple floral skirt), again funny the little things. We met her at a JB's restaurant. We were standing in front when D walks up. I didn't look at her face. I looked at her stomach. I tried guessing how far a long she was. We said our hellos and were seated at our table. Looking back I was really closed off. Brian did most of the talking, he had us all laughing. We started talking about the baby. That made me so nervous. She told us she thought she was 4 months along, she told us about her situation and about her family. Brian told her about us and what led us to adoption. The meeting was very peaceful and friendly. I gave her a hug before we walked away and still all I thought about was if that really could be our baby she was carrying. We really didn't talk about it on the way home. Brian just asked how I was feeling and I said I didn't know, it felt too soon. She wasn't due for 5 more months. I could not go through her pregnancy for 5 months and have the same thing happen. I was still healing from K and mourning over her baby boy. I couldn't think of him as "ours" any more.
The holidays were here. We celebrated Thanksgiving, my cousins wedding, a fun trip with my family to Brianhead and Christmas. And then it was finally a new year. I felt good things were coming this year, anything would be better than last year, I told myself.
Without me knowing, Brian had stayed in contact with Sandra this whole time about D. Brian began talking about D again in January and if I was feeling ready to go through another adoption. I did feel better. I was getting a little excited. I began to allow myself to feel like this could be it. I was getting ready again, but the thought that she could change her mind at any time was still there right in front.
My cousin Brook and her husband, who had also been waiting to adopt, were placed with a young girl who was pregnant with twins. She gave birth mid January. My cousin Brook called me to tell me the good news! She went on and on at how wonderful it was and how beautiful the babies are. I was so happy for her and it gave me HOPE again. It was that night in our car waiting for Brian's sister and new husband Bryan to come meet us that I felt right about it. I had never really prayed about D before because I never let myself get attached. That night I began to pray, a lot, and each prayer my feelings became stronger that the child she was carrying was our baby! Brian and I talked all night about it. The next morning we called Sandra to tell her we wanted to get everything set, and most importantly meet with D again. I felt this powerful love for her. D very much wanted us to be the parents to the baby she was carrying. She didn't know her due date or if the baby was a boy or girl. She was carrying the most precious of gifts.
When we saw D next her her tummy was nice a round. I was so happy to see her. We were meeting with her caseworker to talk about everything that would happen in the following months. The end of January we went with her to her doctor's appointment. We were there for her ultrasound and found out it was a BOY! We were so elated. I think deep down I was hoping it was a boy. D was so happy for US! She was amazing. Here is this woman who we have come to love so deeply carrying this baby for us and she was telling US congratulations! wow. As soon as I saw this baby boy on the ultrasound screen I was in love, head over heals in love! His name would be Caden.
I went home and began writing letters again. I opened the door to the nursery for the first time in months. I washed the bedding again, just because. I bought more clothes, just because. I rearranged the baby furniture, just because I wanted there to be love in that room, not the heartache that used to be. We had HOPE, we were HAPPY.
Over the next 6 weeks we met up with D and her other children. We went out to dinner, we went to the park. I took D to get a couple maternity tops. We went out for ice cream. We really fell in love with this family. When we went to the park we had each child record a video message for Caden. The messages were so sweet and so tender.
March 5th was D's due date. She wasn't having any contractions. I took her to her Dr.'s appointment and they did another ultrasound, he was breach, but beautiful! I felt so bad for D because she would need a c-section. She never had one before and I could tell she was nervous. All I could do was reassure her it would all be OK. Her c-section was scheduled for that following Saturday March 12th at 8:00am. She had to at the hospital at 6am. Brian and I didn't even sleep the night before, we were so excited! I would whisper "are you asleep?" and he would say "no, I'm too excited!". We left around 5am to pick her up and take her to the hospital. We get her to her room and they set her up on all the monitors. It was getting close and we were so excited. D was so nervous for her c-section. Brian would just keep making jokes to make her laugh. They came to get her and she asked if I would be in the room with her..OH MY GOSH! I was so humbled and grateful for that. I got all dressed up in the blue scrubs, footsies and hair cap! I held her hand as they began her c-section. I can close my eyes and watch the first time I saw my son. I think I was shocked because it felt like everything was in fast forward mode. They asked me to cut the cord. They asked me to help clean him off. It all happened so fast. All of a sudden I am holding this beautiful baby boy with a full head of black hair. I bring him over to D. I put him in her arm and wipe her hair off her forehead. At that moment this little boy was being held by the two mommies. One that gave him life and the one that would make sure he lived a full life.
The nurse instructed me to take him to our room. I am walking down the hall holding this precious brand new little boy. I do not take my eyes off him, he was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I am in awe, in shock and so IN LOVE! The emotions didn't hit me until I opened the door and saw Brian. I brought him his little boy and we both began to cry. There were others in the room but to each other we were the only ones there. WE WERE A FAMILY! We stayed in our little huddle of three for a long time. Caden was sleeping, we were swaying back and forth taking turns holding him and looking at him and up each other.The nurse asked everyone to leave the room while they brought D back but said I could stay and feed Caden. It was the first time I was really alone with my new beautiful son. I couldn't take my eyes of him. He was gorgeous, perfect. I kept saying "mommy loves you" and "mommy is here". I waited my whole life to say those words and I was finally able to say them!! The nurse gave me a bottle and I began to feed my son for the first time. I was crying tears of joy. I kept whispering "Thank you Heavenly Father, thank you."
Brian was able to change the first messy diaper. He was a pro at being a daddy. He would cradle caden in his arms and just talk to him about all the things they would do together. Brian was bursting with pride for his little boy. My mom came to the hospital and was in the room and helped me give caden his first bath. The whole day was truly a miracle. D was out for much of the time recovering. But when she would wake up we would visit and she would watch us being parents. It was so neat for her to see how much we loved and adored this little baby boy.We stayed with D and her 15 year old Daughter for the next three days all in the same room. For us it could not have been a better or more beautiful experience. While in the hospital she asked for some alone time with Caden. We went to the cafeteria to eat and then came back up. We wanted to bring him home Sunday night but D wasn't ready to sign the papers. I began to panic and I remember saying to D while holding back tears "please don't change your mind". She just wanted another day with us. She said "I won't change my mind." When the nurses were helping D get ready to leave it was a somber moment. She was saying goodbye to this little person she carried for nine months. We gave D and her daughter C some time to be with Caden to hold him and talk to him. Everyone was crying. Then D kissed his forehead and handed Caden to me. The song, from gods arms to my arms to yours, was going through my head. I Looked at her and said "thank you and I Love you". I wanted for her to know just how grateful I was to her, how much I love her, how there was no greater love than hers to give such a gift. I wanted her to feel my heart bursting from gratitude. So many wonderful emotions and all I could get out was "Thank you and I love you". I knew though that as we were about to begin our journey as parents, it was the beginning of her healing. Healing from giving birth and not being able to bring the baby home. I do believe she knows how much Caden is loved. He is so loved by so many. He has blessed so many lives. He is amazing! To be in that room with our new son and our angel who gave us this most precious gift will forever be close to my heart. As she was leaving I gave her another hug, tears running down both our faces and said "I love you, thank you so much D". Brian helped her out to the car and I was alone with my son in the room. Before when I would say "Mommy loves you" I would whisper. But this time I said it in normal voice and sang you are my sunshine. Brian came back up and we just started to cry joyful tears. This was it, we had our family, we were someones mommy and daddy! When we walked into our home for the first time as parents we looked at each other, smiled and said "now what??" so funny. That first night we both stayed up just staring at his perfect little face. We took turns holding him and talking to him. We were so happy!
The next day we went to sign all the adoption papers and finalize everything. We went to D's house. Her kids all held Caden and said their little sweet goodbyes. We gave them all big hugs and started for the car. As we drove off part of me was sad because we became so close to this sweet family and we wouldn't see them again. Another part was so grateful that they will always be a part of lives, they will forever be in our heart!
September 22, 2005 we went to the courts to have his adoption be final. When the judge was asking us all the questions my eyes started to tear up. The last question was "will you provide everything this child needs" Brian and I look at each other than to the judge and say "yes we will."
September 24, 2005 was the greatest day since Caden was born. We were sealed as a forever family in the temple. This sweet little baby dressed all in white looked like an angel. We love him more than words can express. We will be together for forever!
September 25, 2005 Caden was given a name and a blessing in church by his daddy surrounded by friends and family who have traveled this rocky road with us. Thank you to everyone who supported us when we couldn't stand on our own and rejoiced with us when our dream became our reality. We love you all!
I made this video with some special pictures from Caden's birth. The song has special meaning to me. I remember hearing "From god's arms, to my arms to yours" for the first time in my cousin Brook's car when I was 14 years old. I fell in love with its sweet message. Not till years later did I realize just how much the song really would mean to my family and I.
I hope you love it too!
Adoption is very near and dear to our hearts. It gave us the opportunity to become parents. Through adoption we learned to love and serve others. Adoption let us grow and learn from trials and heart aches. Adoption showed us what love really is. I truly believe that the Lord loves us and he does answer prayers. Through trials we grow closer to him. He will comfort us when we are in our darkest hours and rejoice with us when we are at our highest of highs! God is good!
I hope you felt of our sincere love. I hope that this might inspire you to help others and if you know of someone who is pregnant and doesn't know what to do, help her to research all her options. Adoption isn't for everyone, but it can be the greatest blessing to all who are involved. We love D for her choice. Her choice to carry him, her choice to let him go, her choice to bless our lives forever. She is always in my heart.
